


Blue hues

by Itohan



Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [18]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Violence, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anakin Skywalker Has Mental Health Issues, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Caretaking, Dark Anakin Skywalker, Eventual Sad Ending, F/M, Jedi Knight Anakin Skywalker, Jedi Knight Reader, Late Night Conversations, Mental Instability, Off-screen Anidala break up, Post-First Battle of Geonosis (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: Attack of the Clones, Strangers to Lovers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Warnings May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-18 15:53:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29736231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itohan/pseuds/Itohan
Summary: You come across Anakin sitting in the showers, clothed, wet and shivering. You decide to sit down next to him and talk while the blue lights flicker above you, the only light in the dark room. You also decide to become his friend.Only that Anakin can’t be fixed just by offering your friendship. He can’t be saved through nothing but kindness. And you’d learn that all on your own in due time.
Relationships: Anakin Skywalker & Reader, Anakin Skywalker/Reader
Series: To walk amongst the stars (Star Wars AU’s) [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1759843
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	1. The showers

If someone were to have asked you, you would not have been able to answer what it was that had called you towards the showers. An ancient pull tugging on your heart like a puppet by it's puppeteer's string. There was no shaking it off. The feeling had followed you all day, from the second you got up to the time at night you finished your duties and walked along the halls towards your chambers. Only this time you decided to follow the pull.

You brought the door handle down, the metal freezing cold to the touch, and stepped inside.  
The room was illuminated by a blue hue, florescent lights flickering and flimmering overhead of you. You and a lone figure sitting underneath a shower-head, clothed and and shivering.

You bend down to pick up the sole towel on the floor. It felt coarse in your hands and not at all comfortable. You'd have preferred to dry the passed out person with your cloak but you didn't have it with you, so for now it would have to do.

You stepped closer, recognition dawning on you.  
The person wasn't passed out and neither were they unknown to you. It was Anakin, Anakin Skywalker - the Chosen One. You had only seen him a few times yet you wouldn't have been able not to recognize him.

Anakin's stare burned through you. Angry. Pupils blown out then shrinking again, over and over again. Chest rising shallow, throttles from his throat, clothes clinging like a second skin. In the big empty shower Anakin looked utterly so small and lost, dark hair wet and sticking to his face. Entirely soaked by the water raining down on him, skin pale and limbs shaking. Even the metal one. Like something, someone, out of this world. 

You kneeled down to wrap the towel around his shoulders. "It's cold."

Anakin didn't respond to you.

"What are you thinking of sitting here?" you asked, resolving to sitting down next to him under the spray of the shower. The water was as cold as ice, bitting into your back, yet you did not turn it off. You suspected he would not have let you do so anyway.

You put your arms over your knees and lied your head down, looking up at the blue hue flickering above you. On and out, light to dark and back to light again. Cycle repeating over and over again, making you wonder when those flickers would finally erupt in a fire. Or maybe they would just burn out instead.

"I think of the future," you told Anakin. You turned your head towards him awaiting his response. He was looking right back at you. "So tell me," you said, "why are you here? You must have been sitting here for hours, alone and cold."

You reached out to touch the glove of his metal arm. It had only been such a short time after Geonosis and the day he got his arm.  
"I just need to know if you are alright."

Anakin tore his arm away and you flinched. But then he offered you his other one instead, palm open and shaking. You entwined your hands, cold and wet and unfamiliar with each other, creating new body heat.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk, just let me know you're there," you said. Your thumb traced the skin of his fingers. "While we might not know each other, know that I'll listen. To you. Whenever," you squeezed his hand, "you need someone to talk. I am not forcing you, it's just an offer."

You snorted and hid your face in your arms again, looking at the lights. "I don't think you even know my name yet I sit here forcing you to listen to my musings. I must be getting on your nerves."

"I like your hair," you said gently, voice caught in your throat as you stroked his wet hair. "It's very pretty."

Anakin sagged against you, leaning into your touch.

You paused. "Don't you want to get up? I'll take you to your chambers, Anakin, I just need you to move. Help me a bit." You slithered his arms around your neck and then you took a deep breath and slowly began lifting him up. You were shaking, breathing harshly but... you had gotten him up steadily. Up enough he was now standing on his own.

"I think of drowning."

You frowned. "Huh?"

"The answer to your question," he repeated. "I think of drowning," Anakin mumbled, arms still holding on to you.

The rest of the way to his chambers it was as if he'd been replaced with someone else. He was smiling and making jokes, so unlike the version of him you'd gotten to know. More like the Skywalker you had faintly heard of before. Happy.

By the next morning he'd cut all of it off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is pure self indulgence. I like seeing Anakin brought down and someone trying to fix his broken soul. What can I say? I like to write what I would read.
> 
> Haha Reader doesn’t know what she’s in for. 
> 
> Don’t know how long this is going to be yet. But I just had to get this out, I had the scene of Anakin sitting in the shower, wet and hair damp, looking at Reader in my head for eternity! I’m probably going to update this once I finish writing the rest and after I published the end of “Water from a slave’s mouth” :)
> 
> And slight spoiler: The eventual ending is similar to the OG end I had in mind for “Judas” before I had the idea for what I specifically ended up ending “Judas” with lol  
> Does that paragraph even make sense? I doubt it lmao


	2. Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Anakin have a conversation.

Honestly, you had not expected Anakin to ever talk to you again. 

When you saw him sitting hunched on a stair case, sporting a very short buzzcut your first conscious thought was: 'Did your comment cause him to do that?' Had you done something to trigger that response in some way- 

You walked faster towards the stairs. 

No, clearly you could not have been the final influence to that. Either way, you thought, there was no reason for someone like him to seek you out. Even if a tiny part of you had hoped he would take you up on your offer and be friends. You had resigned yourself to that.

"Hey," Anakin called.

You stopped in your tracks, almost tripping over your own cloak in the process. You straightened yourself up in an attempt to channel some of your usual dignity back. "Hello, um Anakin. I like what you did to your hair," you said, shifting on your toes awkwardly.

"I just had the urge to, you know?"

You certainly did not know but nodded anyway. Your throat dried up uncomfortably though you refrained from clearing it. It would have been impolite.

"I picked up the razor," Anakin said, mimicking the gesture, "and then I did it. I didn't think of the consequences or even how it would look like." He glanced at you, uncertain. "I did not feel anything. Nothing. I just wanted to do it." Anakin sighed and brushed a hand over the top of his head. "Do you know how long it's going to take for this to grow back?"

You shrugged and finally decided to seat yourself down next to him. You could go meditate later. 

You gestured for him to continue and Anakin rolled his eyes.  
"I wouldn't have thought you to be so impatient, how'd you ever get through the trials?"

He dodged underneath the slap you directed at his neck. For someone who'd been knighted he certainly behaved like a youngling. Now he resembled the man who'd you met in the showers neither in appearance nor in attitude. It was disturbing. But you shrugged the thought off. You didn't know him, who were you to judge his behaviour? 

"As I was saying," Anakin began again. 

His voice faded into the background as the impression of something pressed into your mind. a thought. You blinked. Now you'd realized what was going on here. He was trying to deflect you with humor, trying to throw you off from talking about what had transpired and his sudden hair cut. An uncomfortable shiver went through you at the memory of yesterday.

"-Wan told me to deal with it on my own! Can you imagine?"

You interrupted him, unable to keep your thoughts inside any longer. "We don't know each other. Before yesterday we never even spoke, so why now? You could pick any other Jedi out of a crowd and they would agree." You picked at your tunic, deliberately not looking him in the eyes for you'd be to embarrassed and the sudden bout of directness would leave you. "How can you act like this so easily? As if we were already friends?"

You blanched and let go off your tunic - hands now tight at your side twirling with nothing. This hadn't come out the way you intended. "I'm not trying to say I don't want to be friends! That sounded so wrong what I said." You gathered the fabrics of your sleeves into your hands. "I just don't understand how you are so- How do I say it? Not stiff? That's probably not the best word but you know what I mean. Everyone else I know, even myself, we are stiff and do simply not act like- like you do. So, how do you do it?"

Anakin studied you, his face blank, unmoving, not betraying any emotion. Blue eyes staring at you. As if to preserve all and any of your moves from the way your brows creased to the nervous tension in your shoulders in his mind. You couldn't help but feel like one of the animals in the holo-vids you'd watched about zoological gardens on Naboo. 

"Why did you come yesterday?" Anakin finally asked. He looked as if he himself had no clue where that question came from.

"I don't know. I just felt like it," you answered. It was close enough to the truth that it wouldn't ring as a lie in the Force. You would not tell him that every nerve in your body had burned with one and only one thought in mind - rescue and retrieve. There was no other way to describe the feeling that had taken hold of you last night. "Like I was meant to be there."

Anakin finally tore his gaze off you and instead focused on the people passing by. Some running down the stairs, others walking patiently. Young as did old. And you were sitting beside him on the cold ancient stairs, watching Jedi come and go. You went quiet.

"When you said you think of drowning, Anakin, what do you mean by that?"

Anakin flexed his leather glove. "Ever since I got this arm, all my mind keeps thinking of is how much I hate this stupid fucking piece of shit. Did you know it was entirely my own fault I got my real arm hacked off? I just had to act like the biggest fuckup in the galaxy." He scoffed. "I almost got my Master killed. And you know what? He isn't even mad at me! How can he not be- I am not going to understand any of this, ever!"

You placed your hand atop of his. Hidden underneath the long sleeves from prying eyes.

Anakin stroked over your fingers absentmindedly. "I drown in all these bad thoughts. Pulling me under, boiling my lungs, until nobody will be able to spot me at the ground of the sea. Maybe then they'll be gone. Maybe then they'll leave. Because every second I am awake and breathe air and not water, is a second I spend aware of my failings. But underneath the water, real water, I get this irrational fear thinking _what if I actually did drown_. Drowning makes me feel real."

"That's not healthy."

Anakin tugged you closer by your hand.  
"I don't care." 

"You should," you replied, hiding your frown from him.


End file.
